An Open Letter: Dear God, I'm mad at You.
- Jessamyn Anderson
- Nov 17, 2015
- 3 min read
Dear God,
I’m mad at You. Is that okay? I mean, Jesus flipped tables in the temple courts, so I think that anger is okay. But last week, I went to Mass one morning, and I left with no peace of mind. I left with bitterness eating away at my heart and my trust in You. Anger has been simmering in my heart for awhile now, and it seems to have boiled over lately. I’m not quite sure what to do about it. I need Your help.
God, I don’t want to be mad at you anymore. I don’t want to avoid daily Mass because I leave bitter and sad. I want to let go of the hurt that has consumed my heart and my life for months. I want to forgive the person who hurt me, and I want to move on from the situation that has left me feeling this way. I want to let go. But I don’t know how. I need Your help.
You know me, so You know that I’m usually a wordy person, someone who can eloquently and intelligently tie my thoughts together. I’m a strong communicator, and I can speak to others easily and keep my cool when I need to. And because You know that, You know that these short paragraphs full of short (and somewhat grammatically incorrect--my bad) sentences are representative of the confusion that is living inside my brain right now. I can’t understand why You’ve put me through this hurt and suffering. I can’t understand why I’m having so much trouble letting go and giving this all to You. But You’ve been telling me the same thing for months: it’s not my job to understand. It’s my job to trust. I need Your help.
When I was having lunch with my friend last weekend (side note: thank you for her; she is a true blessing in my life, and that lunch was totally necessary for both of us), she mentioned something about finding beauty in suffering. Beauty in suffering. I’ve heard that idea before, and I’ve always admired that in other people. But I think that I needed to hear someone speak those words directly to me--find the beauty in the suffering. I offered the idea that it’s easier to find the beauty retrospectively because the pain can seem so overwhelming that we can’t focus on finding anything in it other than hurt. But God, I’m so tired of feeling angry and bitter about this, and I want to see the beauty now, while I'm in the middle of it all. Perhaps the beauty is in the woman I’ve become because of this hurtful situation, or maybe the beauty is in the mercy and forgiveness You’ve shown me, or maybe the beauty is in everything around me, but I’ve been so angry that I haven’t been able to step outside my own head to see it. Whatever it is, wherever it is, please help me see it. I need Your help.
I’m sure You’ve noticed that I need a lot of help. You’ve known that for awhile, and I’m sure You’ve been watching me deal with this and have face-palmed a few times. I don’t blame you. I’m sorry for what I’ve done, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been open to Your love, grace, and mercy and have instead been filled with negativity and bitterness. Lord, I don’t like being mad at you. It feels terrible. So Jesus, I fall at Your knees as I beg for Your help to let go of every negative feeling inside my heart, particularly the ones directed towards You. Help me find beauty in this suffering. I’m ready to let go.
Your daughter,
Jessamyn
Comments